Slicker Than Your Average (Smooth Criminals)

What kind of person can attain diplomatic immunity in EVERY situation? What kind of person is untouchable and slicker than oil? And no, I’m not referring to the dude responsible for Wikileaks.

People Who Get Away with Saying Anything:

  • Scientists
    • By using lines like, “It’s for SCIENCE!” or “By our approximation _______ should happen around such and such time.” they can get away with countless gaffes.
  • Psychologists
    • They wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. They are trying to help you, so help them help you.

  • Politicians
    • Just blame it on a teleprompter or your writers and you’re in the clear.
  • Religion: Ministers & the like
    • Don’t shoot the messenger. They’re like the Verizon Guy, you know that “Can you hear me now!?” guy. It’s not their fault if signals get crossed and boys end up singing like choir practice is in full effect.
  • Vampires & Werewolves
    • “Cough” Twilight. “Cough, cough” True Blood. “Cough, cough, cough” Teen Wolf.
  • Comedians
    • Unless your name is Tracy Morgan and you’re making fun of vocal minorities that you are NOT a part of, you’ll get a few laughs instead of court hearings and fans instead of hecklers. They entertain and inform us about our world.
  • Weathermen aka Meteorologists
    • Pretty much the same thing as Scientists, except that we’re used to seeing them in front of the camera.
  • Rappers
    • Lil Wayne and the like can drop F-Bombs and call you a hoe to your face, but its okay as long as that DJ Khalid beat is bumpin’ through the speakers.
  • Ethnicity: Half African-American. Half Native American. Half Anything really.
    • The “Race Card” is hard to beat depending on the situation. Not only have they been wronged in just about every way possible, but they also have to deal with weird looks when they order “Half & Half” drinks at Starbucks.
  • Sexual Orientation:LGBT
    • This mix-gendered cocktail can be rather charming or difficult when they want, so “you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” as Bart Simpson so succinctly put it.
  • People with mental illnesses
    • They can’t help themselves.
  • Ann Coulter
    • She’s crazy….and smart, but mostly crazy.
  • Drinkers (NOT Alcoholics)
    • In the immortal words of Jamie Foxx & T-Pain, “Blame it on the al-al-alcohol baby…”
  • Idiots
    • They don’t know the gravity or stupidity of what they’re saying.
  • Elderly People
    • Same reasoning as “idiots”, but with a hint of age, medication and forgetfulness.
  • Celebrities
    • Celebs are bigger than royalty these days and their causes are many, so what if they forget their place. Who could possibly stop Bono or Brangelina (Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie)?
  • Ferris Bueller
  • Zack Morris
    • Like Ferris Bueller above, but we got to grow up with him and see his pimp game evolve, so he’s cool.
  • Batman (aka Bruce Wayne)
    • He’s Batman. After the showing Green Lantern, Superman & Wonder Woman have had lately in film, comics and TV, how can you question the Dark Knight?
  • Bloggers & Forum Trolls:Anonymous and loud
    • Yes they are on the list too! Hiding behind sometimes ridiculous screen names while ragging on people and causes is a tough job, but someone has to do it. I mean, who watches the watchmen?

All sarcasm aside, it’s not a matter of what they say, but more so a matter of how. It’s not even a matter of what they do, because if people feel sorry (or smitten) for them, then they’re safe. Take this with a grain of salt, and stop and think for a moment.

What could any of those people say to offend you?
What would you say to them?
Am I forgetting anyone?

Categories: Stories & Rants | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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