Posts Tagged With: Alexz Johnson

Rollover Minutes & New Companions (Who Gives A Bleep?)


Imagine for a second what it would be like if conversations worked the way phone conversations did. Service charges simply for using your time & resources (mental/emotional). Early Cancellation fees for bailing on your contracts/relationships. Being billed per minute or per word & let’s not forget about “rollover minutes”.

How on Earth would “roll over minutes” work?
Because I recently had a conversation that felt so one-sided that I couldn’t help but to think, “If I save up enough words will I be able to use them during our next conversation (assuming we even have another one)?”

Oddly enough that thought didn’t make me chuckle. I was drained & I could hear it in my voice whenever I managed to speak. My monotone replies spoke volumes for me, I wasn’t invested in this exchange of words.

26 minutes. That’s how long it took for me to realize how bent out of shape I am. Notice I said “bent”, not “broken”. I felt somewhat neglected & like I was being avoided & they knew it.

This “unrequited conversation” bothered me because normally I love talking with this person & I would have loved to make them feel good, but my head & heart just wasn’t feeling it. Normally I’d let them dump their load on me (excuse the euphemism), so that we could have a more positive conversation. But this time all I could muster was “yeah”, “uh huh”, “hmm, really?” & a few questions followed by dead air.

Dead air doesn’t happen for the sake of drama, dead air happens when no one knows what to say next. It’s uncomfortable. I had just absorbed so much of what was said & was trying (& failing) to balance that with what I was feeling/thinking. So I said nothing.

Eventually they asked me how my day was and all I had the energy to say by that point was, “Yeah… Nothing happened. I’m okay, don’t worry about me. I don’t know when I’ll see you again, so just call me once in a while so that I know you’re still alive. That’s all I really need since you’re busy.”

Our conversation ended with them saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

To which I replied, “Yeah, call me back whenever.”

20 minutes. That’s about how long this person went on & on for. I get it, you needed to vent, we ALL do. I let you say your piece, hoping that you would tell me something that would be important to US.
You are not a bad person & I’m not mad at you, I just don’t know what to say to you right now. I’m sorry.

6 minutes. That’s the combined length of time that I spoke for (approximately). I wanted to say more, but what was the point? You were going through so much that I felt guilty about even expressing how I really felt. That is messed up, I know.

I don’t want to be a dick or an ass about this, but I’ve had enough. I need some time to myself, or with other people that really want to make time for me. Maybe I’m being selfish or petty or immature. Imagine what I would be like if I was all 3 of those things at the SAME time.

*Stops & thinks for a minute*

Hmm, that could be quite fun actually.
Anyway, I want my 26 minutes back, but I can’t have that since I’m not a Time Doctor & I don’t have a DeLorean.
Speaking of which, have you seen “Doctor Who’s” new female companion or heard the rumors of a “Back to the Future” remake?

A new female companion (for a guy on a show I don’t even watch)!?
To that I say, sure why not.

A CG DeLorean!?
To that I say, why mess with a classic?
Back away from the car & young Michael J. Fox (AKA Marty McFly)!

For now I’ll enjoy some dinner & some company.

“I took in the most that I could.
I never imagined that I would be feeling so misunderstood…
Why even bother, just leave it alone.” -Alexz Johnson (Skipping Stone)

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Categories: Stories & Rants | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Science of Affection


What do I care if we never see eye to eye again?
Obviously I care enough that I had to come find you and show you how much I need you.
What I think of you is much broader than I’ve let on, and that was my mistake.
There should be no question of who’s got your back; I will be there, as close as you need me to be.
You’re broken, let me make you feel better.
You see my affection collected in the little things that I’ve done.
Give way to the things that are bigger than we’ll ever hope to be.

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Categories: Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

ASAP People


I’m in a crowd moving on alone, you’d think that I’d be able to tell the forest from the trees but I’m too close to tell the difference.
I fear that if I back away too much I’ll lose all sense of direction while I practice deflection like a Buddhist with a purpose while in this state of emotion.
People talking like they don’t know how to listen.
People living like they don’t know what a heart’s for.
If there’s emotion you’ve got to let it show.
Do you see a flicker of pain in these eyes?
Leave your worries behind instead of thinking “Oh my God“.
We’ve got pieces missing because we’re puzzles that don’t want to be figured out so easily.
Calling, waiting, debating – Give it time to sink in.
I’m putting down the receiver, I don’t want to hang on every word you say.
Past the point of fighting questions or being scared to let go.

Sometimes silence is the only answer worth giving, so forgive me for not spelling everything out at the drop of a hat.
Let’s face it, this was never what you wanted.
On one hand you’ve got karma and on the other something else that I can’t control.
I’m trying not to fear it because I need to save her.
Somebody save me, I’m looking in the mirror trying not to feel hurt.
Some things can’t be deferred and can only be referred to as an “immediate threat” to the many ways that you love.
Before we drift away let us stay still for a moment, knowing that what we had was worth it, maybe for the first and the last time.
I’d rather take this fall than not to feel at all.
I’ll be the lonely one until I find someone with all of my desires for someone to hold while reaching for places that others would not dare to go.

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Categories: Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Don’t Stand A Chance


I don’t have a choice.
I don’t stand a chance.
I will find your love and myself wrapped in your arms.
Without hesitance, without regret everything will be worth it.
Somehow I know I’m right even though everything tells me that I’m wrong.
For you this time is the only one worth remembering.
So we’ll take a page from our parents and pray that change will come through us.
Who knew that we could love so much after losing so much.
Thank God you didn’t put a lock on your heart.
Instead you kept me inside, but I’m not a prisoner, I stay by choice.
Be still I tell myself while I lie close to your heart.
You may not get it yet, but you know that you’re gonna get it good when you let me in.
Do you see the shape we take while we’re so close together?

You can’t make this up or push this away.
Despite our differences, I’m just like you.
Count the ways we’ve been there for each other.
Looking back we’ve never left each others side.
You’re not alone.
You know that I’ve got no place that I can go to get away from you.
Somebody gets me.
Somebody’s got me stopped in my tracks, bound by their beauty.
Even in the deep darkness of the night, it’s your memory that gets me through.
Whoever said that love was an option never met you.
I don’t have a choice.
I don’t stand a chance.
I know I’m in too deep.

Categories: Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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