Posts Tagged With: ass

To The Blower-uppers


Why do people do things to their pets that are just so WRONG?
Like putting them in clothes when it’s not cold & they have plenty of fur.
Or as I witnessed today, blow air up their bum. Yes, I said blow (air) up their ass.

I have a friend that craves attention from her dog and when he straight up ignores her as if she didn’t exist, she sneaks up behind him and blows like she’s making a birthday wish up his unsuspecting posterior.

And the part that confuses me even more than her actions, is her reaction to his reaction.
Picture this, you watch as she blows hot air up her pet’s “rear exit” and it barks and then tries to bite the *bleep* out of her.

How did she expect him to react?

I told her, “I can’t blame him for wanting to take a chunk out of you as if he were Mike Tyson & you were Holyfield knocking the poop out of him.”

She didn’t see where I was coming from, so I said, “How would you like it if someone blew up your cute ass?”

She paused.

“Think about it. Unless you get off on that kind of thing, chances are you’re not gonna like having your taint air dried.” I said.

To which she replied, “How would you know Stephen?”

I stared blankly at her for a few seconds.

Eventually I felt a smirk grow on my face as an idea found its way into my head, and I asked her, “Why don’t we find out? Why don’t I blow air up your ass & you tell me if you don’t feel like biting, slapping or cussing me out?”

We burst out laughing.
After catching her breath, she said, “What makes you think I’d want you to blow up my ass?”

And I said nothing. I just shook my head & smiled at her.

I have to wonder what other weird thing people do to their pets for kicks… Or to their significant others. But I won’t open that can of worms.

“To the blower-uppers.” –Marty Kaan (House of Lies)

Side Note:
I just finished watching “House of Lies” season 1. Fantastic show, cast & writing. Each character is such a “magnificent bastard” (a term normally reserved for Lionel Luthor from Smallville), whom I love & hate at the same time because they do such horrible things so well and hilariously. Can’t wait for season 2… In 2013!? Sigh.

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Categories: Stories & Rants | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Rollover Minutes & New Companions (Who Gives A Bleep?)


Imagine for a second what it would be like if conversations worked the way phone conversations did. Service charges simply for using your time & resources (mental/emotional). Early Cancellation fees for bailing on your contracts/relationships. Being billed per minute or per word & let’s not forget about “rollover minutes”.

How on Earth would “roll over minutes” work?
Because I recently had a conversation that felt so one-sided that I couldn’t help but to think, “If I save up enough words will I be able to use them during our next conversation (assuming we even have another one)?”

Oddly enough that thought didn’t make me chuckle. I was drained & I could hear it in my voice whenever I managed to speak. My monotone replies spoke volumes for me, I wasn’t invested in this exchange of words.

26 minutes. That’s how long it took for me to realize how bent out of shape I am. Notice I said “bent”, not “broken”. I felt somewhat neglected & like I was being avoided & they knew it.

This “unrequited conversation” bothered me because normally I love talking with this person & I would have loved to make them feel good, but my head & heart just wasn’t feeling it. Normally I’d let them dump their load on me (excuse the euphemism), so that we could have a more positive conversation. But this time all I could muster was “yeah”, “uh huh”, “hmm, really?” & a few questions followed by dead air.

Dead air doesn’t happen for the sake of drama, dead air happens when no one knows what to say next. It’s uncomfortable. I had just absorbed so much of what was said & was trying (& failing) to balance that with what I was feeling/thinking. So I said nothing.

Eventually they asked me how my day was and all I had the energy to say by that point was, “Yeah… Nothing happened. I’m okay, don’t worry about me. I don’t know when I’ll see you again, so just call me once in a while so that I know you’re still alive. That’s all I really need since you’re busy.”

Our conversation ended with them saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

To which I replied, “Yeah, call me back whenever.”

20 minutes. That’s about how long this person went on & on for. I get it, you needed to vent, we ALL do. I let you say your piece, hoping that you would tell me something that would be important to US.
You are not a bad person & I’m not mad at you, I just don’t know what to say to you right now. I’m sorry.

6 minutes. That’s the combined length of time that I spoke for (approximately). I wanted to say more, but what was the point? You were going through so much that I felt guilty about even expressing how I really felt. That is messed up, I know.

I don’t want to be a dick or an ass about this, but I’ve had enough. I need some time to myself, or with other people that really want to make time for me. Maybe I’m being selfish or petty or immature. Imagine what I would be like if I was all 3 of those things at the SAME time.

*Stops & thinks for a minute*

Hmm, that could be quite fun actually.
Anyway, I want my 26 minutes back, but I can’t have that since I’m not a Time Doctor & I don’t have a DeLorean.
Speaking of which, have you seen “Doctor Who’s” new female companion or heard the rumors of a “Back to the Future” remake?

A new female companion (for a guy on a show I don’t even watch)!?
To that I say, sure why not.

A CG DeLorean!?
To that I say, why mess with a classic?
Back away from the car & young Michael J. Fox (AKA Marty McFly)!

For now I’ll enjoy some dinner & some company.

“I took in the most that I could.
I never imagined that I would be feeling so misunderstood…
Why even bother, just leave it alone.” -Alexz Johnson (Skipping Stone)

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Categories: Stories & Rants | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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