A Little Loss & A Lot Of Love

Have you ever felt like you didn’t have the right to feel the way you do?

When everyone around you seems to be having the time of their lives it feels wrong or selfish to admit that you’re not. You are truly happy for them, but whatever is going on in your life is weighing you down so you can’t fully commit to the moment. That’s how I felt a few days ago.

I attended my Nephew’s wedding and I couldn’t fully enjoy the moment with him and our family. I smiled, cracked jokes and I really am proud of him, but part of me was and is still distracted by this tinge of sadness.

Our cat Sundae had a stroke and died Friday while I was on my way to the wedding. Learning of her death while I was at this momentous occasion filled me with this odd mixture of happiness and grief all at the same time. I’m smiling while I’m on the verge of crying, and hugging my family all the while thinking about hugging my friends/roommates who were there at Sundae’s time of death. Life is funny that way.

In the same day I was able to embrace my family in a moment of pure joy and then hold my friends as we sobbed and mourned together at our mutual loss. Happiness turned into sadness and then frustration by the end of the day. The highs and lows of life are not lost on me.

I wanted to write about this earlier, but I figured who was I to talk or write about a little loss? I don’t want to distract from or steal anyone’s joy, so I didn’t message or call (typical). Don’t worry I’ve got Netflix, junk food and tea, so I’ll be fine. We will all be fine eventually.

I just needed to air out a few thoughts. Thanks for reading, if you’ve made it this far.

Quotes: Find Myself

“I was never concerned with where I would find myself, only when.” – Stephen Quammie

Sometimes I find myself in the littlest moments, saying or doing something, and I smile to myself thinking “This feels right, this is what I should be doing”.

Friend of Mine

Friend of mine, don’t let me die in my ways.
Guide me towards happiness without an end.
I’ve been living as though I’ve already flat-lined.
Get me out of my mind, make me feel better than any way I can think of.

I cannot tell a lie whether black or white.
I want to be a better person, but you can’t change me.
When I’m not myself, remind me who I was when everything was fine.

Let me wish without a hint of reality.
Question my fears before they become a second skin.
Bring your light when darkness blinds me.

Pull back the curtains, look behind my every compulsion.
Show me what dreams may come if I keep quiet.
Terms of sweet endearment are wasted on the deaf of heart, but I know that you can hear what I feel.

Friend of mine, don’t let me die undefined.
Angels know I mean well everyday.
For all that I know and all that I’ve loved, I long to be good.
I see all that is wrong with me.
Let me be what’s right, when it’s wrong.

Friend of mine, I’ll see you tomorrow with a smile upon my face.

Live A Little

How it begins is not how it ends.
Everything in between is yours to try, so carry on.
Try until there are no questions left.

Enjoy the difference.
Trust this time.
Take a chance.

Expose yourself to something unlike anything before.
Only when you’ve died to have something will you find out what you’re truly living for.
Return to me, not as you were, but as someone tried and true.

For every experience there will be a hundred more.
I want you to remember those moments.
I want to see that spark in your eyes that makes everything feel brand new.

Live a little, not for me, for you.

Coat of Arms

Why the hell not!?

Pure unfiltered joy
You should wear it proudly
Having the freedom to turn mistakes into priceless gems
Finding out just how much you’re worth
Laughs fueled by those sweet little moments
Pouring out affection wrapped in your coat of arms
Take what’s left out & shine a little light on it
Form a single line & follow every sign towards change
Never forget how you found your way back
Pick up the pieces & put them together as you see fit
It isn’t always easy, but damn is it worth it
And don’t forget to smile on your way out