Thoughts crackle in the dark.
Emotions have exhausted all reason.
Death, desires and dreams know my name.
It’s the quiet moments that ask the big questions.
Am I enough?
Burning bones bare your soul.
Put these flames to rest before they get the best of you.
Rest your hand on my heart.
Nurse me back to life with your smile, when I can’t breathe.
Love me until I’m at peace.
You’re the cure to this violent insomnia.
Rest your hand on my heart.
Stay with me through the visiting night.
Slow the rushing traffic in my wandering mind.
Everything isn’t anything, when you’re so close I can hear you breathe.
Rest your hand on my heart.
Give me your love.
Wrap me up in your embrace, so I can go to sleep.
Adhedonia: Comes from the Greek word ‘Hedone‘, meaning pleasure. Adhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure.
Not being able to find satisfaction, or reward in anything. Losing interest in everything because its just lost its punch. Pleasurable experiences drive us to strive for more. Sure we can survive with very few pleasure experiences to draw from, but we need something to fuel us.
When you observe someone giving up & avoiding things, it’s because their mantra is out of focus & they now think, “What’s the point?”. Even things that usually give them joy like music, dancing, writing, laying in bed or sex don’t quite connect with them or fill them like it once did. Sometimes people go to extremes to feel something because the usual just isn’t cutting it while their mood is dampened & numbed by whatever is weighing them down. “Stimulation Seekers” push the limits past the norm in order to feel even an iota of what they would usually feel.
I sometimes feel like I’ve been sleeping through my life, missing out on things. I’m beginning to think that my bouts of Insomnia are linked to anxiety caused by the urge to do something instead of just waiting. “Making something happen instead of just letting it happen.”, seems to be my new mantra these days & I think it’s affecting both my waking & sleeping. I’ve got to plan, I’ve got to look out, I can’t relax until this, that & the other thing are DONE. I don’t flip out or anything, but when I’m wide awake & all I can do is sit back, look out & think to myself, it makes me hunger to actually be doing something because things are moving along too slowly, I’m not moving fast enough & at the same time I tell myself, “I can’t do everything. Not right now, pick one thing and move on from there.”
I’m still trying to figure out what motivates me to do the things I do (for myself & others). My passions are changing & so are my goals. I’m not trying to change “who I am”, I just want to be sure of something before I do it, so that when it is finished, I will be satisfied not only with my actions, but with the end result.
Belief & reality are seldom perfectly matched. What you think is sometimes a better predictor of your future performance than any measure of your skill or capacity. Disclaimer: That being said, no amount of self-confidence can produce success when the necessary skills just aren’t there at all (just saying, it had to be said).
One thing is for sure, my love of writing & artwork is getting me through some of these dark days. Things naturally always look better after I’ve written & read through my own thoughts. Even without input or comparison from someone else, I feel better knowing that I can identify or at the very least question something freely.
I think I’ll continue reading “Identity Crisis“, I haven’t read that in ages & then I’ll get back to my search.
Oh, and I’m drinking coffee for the first time in 2 months. I really don’t drink this stuff often & I know that I ONLY do it when I’m really out of it, or when I’m about to do a lot of work. Can’t wait!
UPDATE:
I originally called this post “Double Double Tuesdays” because I have never been a fan of Mondays, and “Double Double Tuesdays” just rolls of the tongue a LOT easier.
Come on say it with me, “Double Double Tuesdays”, now say “Double Double Mondays”.
Monday has a hard “Mm” sound to it, like it’s an angry dictator, or like you’re questioning it, “Mmm-on-days?….. Nah!”
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The Wandering Mind 