New Ways

Last year broke something loose
So many pieces to pickup
Make a little room for hope
Explore until I expire

Inside wants out
Can’t hide this heart
So I’ll seek until I feel love
My mind’s made up

You can see it in my face
Pain painted in my eyes
Lust for life on my lips
Learning new ways to be

I keep going places on my own
Disappearing for days
Bad days have good days too
Savour the sweeter things

Quit holding on
Dreams running wild
Tomorrow’s not a liar
Leave doubt in the fire

No going back

A Little Loss & A Lot Of Love

Have you ever felt like you didn’t have the right to feel the way you do?

When everyone around you seems to be having the time of their lives it feels wrong or selfish to admit that you’re not. You are truly happy for them, but whatever is going on in your life is weighing you down so you can’t fully commit to the moment. That’s how I felt a few days ago.

I attended my Nephew’s wedding and I couldn’t fully enjoy the moment with him and our family. I smiled, cracked jokes and I really am proud of him, but part of me was and is still distracted by this tinge of sadness.

Our cat Sundae had a stroke and died Friday while I was on my way to the wedding. Learning of her death while I was at this momentous occasion filled me with this odd mixture of happiness and grief all at the same time. I’m smiling while I’m on the verge of crying, and hugging my family all the while thinking about hugging my friends/roommates who were there at Sundae’s time of death. Life is funny that way.

In the same day I was able to embrace my family in a moment of pure joy and then hold my friends as we sobbed and mourned together at our mutual loss. Happiness turned into sadness and then frustration by the end of the day. The highs and lows of life are not lost on me.

I wanted to write about this earlier, but I figured who was I to talk or write about a little loss? I don’t want to distract from or steal anyone’s joy, so I didn’t message or call (typical). Don’t worry I’ve got Netflix, junk food and tea, so I’ll be fine. We will all be fine eventually.

I just needed to air out a few thoughts. Thanks for reading, if you’ve made it this far.

Sober

Hungover on my worries

When it rains it pours, and I can’t ignore the flood
Tension fills my lungs until I overflow
Tears run until I can’t see clearly
I’m afraid of these unwieldy emotions

Too far gone to know what’s real
The more I feel the more I panic
Holding on to moments that no longer exist
One foot in the past, one foot in the future unknown

Hungover on my worries
Tripping over fears that aren’t even real
Drowning in the bitter aftertaste of failed dreams
Twisted inside out, I’m a wreck before I’ve even begun

Never felt quite like this before
Holding in that which can’t be contained
Drunk off the pain of careless words piercing my skin
The tattoos on my soul show more than I can say

That’s when you told me to leave my pride on the pavement
Forget about who I’m supposed to be, and just be
When your mind is on fire wash away your doubts
Listen to your better angels until you’re sober

Hold on to who you know you are

RED

There is no cure without poison

Sins of the past feel better than they should
Forgiveness is the last thing on my mind
I like the pain I’ve tasted under the night sky
I’ve been wrong for all the right reasons
I don’t trust myself around you

Question my dreams until they’re real
Keep saying no to questions I’m not even asking
Speak bleeding heart, don’t stay silent
Check your fears at the door

Enjoying pain by the pound
Simple things don’t satisfy like they should
Failure is frightening, but nothing is worse
There is no cure without poison
The red in my veins gives me a little hope

I am better than this

Walls

These walls were never meant to last

These walls keep me safe
I know what to expect
Outside I am vulnerable

These walls make me blind
I don’t know how I feel inside
Rearrange my expectations

Love can hurt sometimes
Show me a better world
All this unfinished business has to end

Kiss me out of my mind
Show me a better love
Step by step until no walls remain

Love is on the other side
There’s a world inside you
Let it out until every brick crumbles

Look around but not down
These walls were never meant to last
I’ll see you on the other side