I have struggled in various ways, but lately I’ve found and acknowledged that some of my hardest shortcomings have been caused by me, and my lack of foresight. I’ve never considered myself to be impulsive or spontaneous, but instead patient, predictable (and no I don’t mean reliable). Sure people can always depend on me to listen to them & find a way to make them smile, but rarely have I ever felt needed. I feel as though another person could fill my spot and in my absence they’d do for them what I could only hope to do with the best of intentions.
Can they get from someone else whatever it is that they find lacking in my presence?
Maybe I’m being selfish, but lately I feel as though I spend so much time and energy helping others and yet I don’t have a clue as to how I can do the same for myself. I’ve tried to see myself as someone else in hopes that I would jump to my own rescue with the same caliber of resilience, intelligence and resourcefulness that I seem to display with others, but no such luck. It’s like suffering from “writer’s block”, I can have the greatest story in the world, but that story is literally nothing until it has been brought to life through the words and actions that I have chosen.
Each story needs a beginning, middle and end; but what becomes of the characters when there is no visible end in sight?
With each action mapped out, branching off into a potential destiny, I have to wonder if this endgame will turn out as I’ve envisioned it. To even call these random flickers I’ve been dreaming up lately anything short of visions would be a great disservice, not only to my hopes and dreams, but to the people and events which have helped mold me into the person I am becoming and embracing. I was told that there is a time and place for everything, and in time my place in everything would become clear. That hint of knowledge was dropped on me by a rather tasty fortune cookie by the way.
But for now, I cannot live for the future, but for the present which is before me.
For now all I can do is try, and hope that I will make a difference in a positive way.
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