Posts Tagged With: Smallville

Technical Difficulties of A Different Kind

Don’t you hate it when shit doesn’t work?

Well imagine what it feels like when you wake up to your alarm screeching like a high speed car trying to stop on a dime. Until the high pitch whining dies down, you’re left lying there helpless, like Clark Kent after a Lana Lang Kryptonite fueled ultimatum.

Then the radio tries to play the station its set on to no avail. All you hear is garbled audio where every 5th word sounds like backward speak from a Rob Zombie record. Suddenly that McDonald’s ad about waking up to their Cranberry Orange Muffins & coffee seems utterly horrifying.

All that happens and you didn’t even set the friggin’ alarm and the time is WRONG! Yeah there was a power outage while you slept, so all electronics were reset.

So you check your phone for the correct time to find that it is way later than you thought it was. Oh & you missed two calls & messages, but who has time to check anything!

Jump out of bed & configure everything. Jump in the shower, get shampoo in your eye because everything should smell like Mango including your vision.

Jump out of the shower & try to have a quick shave, only to have the razor die mid stroke. Great! Now you look like a hairy Two-Face, only with all the skin still present. Take out the batteries & charge them.

Now head over to the living room & pop a DVD into the DVD player because silence is so bothersome, you just need to hear some chatter & movies load quicker than computers & podcasts do.

Um why does “Batman Begins” sound like it’s being remixed by DJ Funk Master Flex!?
Screen tearing, dropped frames, choppy/delayed speech; Can you say “What the F*@$!?”

So you press STOP, run back to the bedroom & get dressed. Go back to the bathroom & try shaving again.

Knock, knock! Who is it?
Open the door to realize that your cute lunch date is here early.

What the F*@$ was her name again!?
Damn she looks good, what a beautiful distraction.

Let her in, crack a joke & apologize for not being quite ready yet. Explain the situation to see the look of amusement on her cute face, while you get her a drink & give her a quick tour of your place.

Sit her down & ask her about her day, only to have her say, “I wanted to have some fun before we went out for lunch.”
Her hands quickly, yet gracefully make their way from your chest to your jeans as she leans in & kisses you on the lips. Now your head is swimming as you try to take this all in & calm down.

“Hey, she want that lovey dovey
That kiss, kiss
In her mind she fantasize ’bout gettin’ with me”

Off go the pants & the shirts. It’s all good & fun. As good as everything feels, you realize that you can’t get it up. Not even with the aide of a crane could you get your hard-on, hard. This is odd. Normally just feeling the wind grazing your crotch would be enough to set you off, so what is going on?

Another glitch in the system!

You say something sexy while you look & drown in her pretty blue eyes taken straight from the deep vast ocean, “I know I haven’t had lunch yet, but I was thinking I’d skip straight to dessert. You don’t mind right?”

You lift her off of your lap & unto the couch. You kiss her neck & her chest, then you reach her legs & slide your hands up to her cute behind & squeeze. Pull back on her panties, pull down & slowly pull them down her thighs while looking her in the eyes.

You spread those legs like you’re about to do a thorough search. Kiss her on her lips, gently put your hand on her chest & push back until she’s leaning & arching that back.

Now you can focus on dessert.

Kiss. Lick. Suck. Smile.
You taste like Mango, I wonder why.

Breathe. Lick. Suck. Kiss.

Moan. Suck. Kiss. Lick.

Suck. Suck. Suck.

Ring! RiNg!! RING!!!

It’s time to wake up! Only it’s not. The alarm is set to the wrong friggin’ time for real.


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To The Blower-uppers

Why do people do things to their pets that are just so WRONG?
Like putting them in clothes when it’s not cold & they have plenty of fur.
Or as I witnessed today, blow air up their bum. Yes, I said blow (air) up their ass.

I have a friend that craves attention from her dog and when he straight up ignores her as if she didn’t exist, she sneaks up behind him and blows like she’s making a birthday wish up his unsuspecting posterior.

And the part that confuses me even more than her actions, is her reaction to his reaction.
Picture this, you watch as she blows hot air up her pet’s “rear exit” and it barks and then tries to bite the *bleep* out of her.

How did she expect him to react?

I told her, “I can’t blame him for wanting to take a chunk out of you as if he were Mike Tyson & you were Holyfield knocking the poop out of him.”

She didn’t see where I was coming from, so I said, “How would you like it if someone blew up your cute ass?”

She paused.

“Think about it. Unless you get off on that kind of thing, chances are you’re not gonna like having your taint air dried.” I said.

To which she replied, “How would you know Stephen?”

I stared blankly at her for a few seconds.

Eventually I felt a smirk grow on my face as an idea found its way into my head, and I asked her, “Why don’t we find out? Why don’t I blow air up your ass & you tell me if you don’t feel like biting, slapping or cussing me out?”

We burst out laughing.
After catching her breath, she said, “What makes you think I’d want you to blow up my ass?”

And I said nothing. I just shook my head & smiled at her.

I have to wonder what other weird thing people do to their pets for kicks… Or to their significant others. But I won’t open that can of worms.

“To the blower-uppers.” –Marty Kaan (House of Lies)

Side Note:
I just finished watching “House of Lies” season 1. Fantastic show, cast & writing. Each character is such a “magnificent bastard” (a term normally reserved for Lionel Luthor from Smallville), whom I love & hate at the same time because they do such horrible things so well and hilariously. Can’t wait for season 2… In 2013!? Sigh.

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Luthorian Quote of the Day

“I don’t care about the past — I believe in the power to reinvent yourself.” -Lex Luthor

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Luthorian Quote of the Day

“Don’t try to make me out as your own personal Judas. I didn’t come here for forgiveness. I came here to congratulate you on sweeping another mishap under the rug.” -Lex Luthor

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Luthorian Quote of the Day

“Empires are not brought down by outside forces – they are destroyed by weaknesses from within.” -Lionel Luthor

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