A Little Loss & A Lot Of Love

Have you ever felt like you didn’t have the right to feel the way you do?

When everyone around you seems to be having the time of their lives it feels wrong or selfish to admit that you’re not. You are truly happy for them, but whatever is going on in your life is weighing you down so you can’t fully commit to the moment. That’s how I felt a few days ago.

I attended my Nephew’s wedding and I couldn’t fully enjoy the moment with him and our family. I smiled, cracked jokes and I really am proud of him, but part of me was and is still distracted by this tinge of sadness.

Our cat Sundae had a stroke and died Friday while I was on my way to the wedding. Learning of her death while I was at this momentous occasion filled me with this odd mixture of happiness and grief all at the same time. I’m smiling while I’m on the verge of crying, and hugging my family all the while thinking about hugging my friends/roommates who were there at Sundae’s time of death. Life is funny that way.

In the same day I was able to embrace my family in a moment of pure joy and then hold my friends as we sobbed and mourned together at our mutual loss. Happiness turned into sadness and then frustration by the end of the day. The highs and lows of life are not lost on me.

I wanted to write about this earlier, but I figured who was I to talk or write about a little loss? I don’t want to distract from or steal anyone’s joy, so I didn’t message or call (typical). Don’t worry I’ve got Netflix, junk food and tea, so I’ll be fine. We will all be fine eventually.

I just needed to air out a few thoughts. Thanks for reading, if you’ve made it this far.

Still

When everything seems complicated, I simply want you.

When emotions are running high and we’ve exhausted all reason,
I want to quiet our wounded insecurities with a touch of love.

When my thoughts have become loud and heavy,
I want your lips to quiet my own with a kiss.

When there is nothing to say,
I want us to say everything with that look which transcends words.

When everything seems complicated,
I simply want you.

Love The Pain

I love you and it’s killing me

We are so close and yet so distant
You don’t realize that I’m not your enemy
We’re always fighting to be at peace
I don’t know who I am when we fight
I can’t be who you are

We spend so much time living like assassins
Turning words into weapons when we collide
Hold me by the heart just to get even
You hurt just to keep me with you
I can’t fight your fears forever

Our Russian Roulette relations won’t let me live
You want me to hurt like you
Break my bones verbally until I fall back on what I believe
You’re never wrong, that’s why we’ll never be right
I can’t look up to you when you look down on me

I can’t make you see
I love you and it’s killing me

Good Morning, Good Night

We make midnight feel like morning

Quiet nights and busy days know the truth
I can’t get by without loving you
I gave you all of me just to see you smile
Made you laugh so you’d stay for a while

Dreams begin with you
My eyes are open for the first time
Lying next to you is my only motivation
With every breath you love me too

We make midnight feel like morning
We’re gonna be alright
Set me apart if you like what you see
In your eyes is where everything begins

Good morning, good night
Stay with me on the edge of desire
Good morning, good night
I love you and want you more every time

Our hearts won’t be denied
Good morning, good night

Display

You will be a mannequin for a man again.

You weren’t meant to be yours alone.
You are whatever we say you are.
You will be a mannequin for a man again.
Transform yourself to our liking.
We will build you up to break you down.

You are not important unless everybody likes you.
Be explicit to elicit our affection.
The only way to win is to lose yourself to us.
Attention comes with a price.
We’ll buy into you if you sell your truth.

And don’t forget to smile.